A Love So Deep
by ladybugsmomma
Summary: Olivia and Alex both deal with separation in their own ways and this tells us how. Established A/O. Set during "Loss" Alternating POVs, mostly Olivia's. AU and OOC.
1. Prologue: Loss

**Disclaimer: No, don't own!**

**AN: I'm baack! Okay, so these are uncharted waters for me as I have never written an AO fic before. This is my attempt. I hope you guys like it! **

**Prologue: Loss**

* * *

><p>Sitting here, I think about the previous night and the events that led up to it. Why couldn't she have left well enough alone? That way she would still be alive and with me. I never wanted to lose her this way. I never wanted to lose her at all. I was going to ask her to marry me last night, but now I'll never get the chance.<p>

I look at the front cover of _The Ledger_ with the picture of the love of my life on the front cover. The headline jumps out at me over and over again. It makes me miss her so much. I take a deep breath when the captain walks out of his office.

"We got a trial date on the Richmond case yet?" he asks.

"It's postponed," I answer, not really into discussing anything. I just want to mourn my loss.

"We're going to lose that witness. She was shaky to begin with," he said sounding disappointed.

"Well, nothing we can do. You got SVU cases being handled by ADAs from other bureaus. They don't give a damn," Elliot told him.

No one gave a damn about our cases or tried them as hard as my Alex. This thought is the one that brought tears to my eyes. I miss her so much.

I was brought out of my haze when Cragen spoke up.

"Well, isn't that nice?" he asked holding up a piece of paper.

"What?" Munch asked as we all looked to the captain for an answer.

"Rafael Zapata Gaviria was found dead in a holding cell awaiting a hearing. No witnesses," Cragen answered. My heart drops. There goes any chance to getting justice for my love.

"There goes Valez's extradition," Fin comments.

"I long for the old days when the government would just send in the Delta Force assassination squad," Munch said. I rolled my eyes at him.

The captain turns to face us.

"DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you guys tonight," Cragen said as he handed me a piece of paper, "There's the address."

"What for?" Elliot asked as if reading my thoughts.

"Something about closing the case," Cragen responded as he headed back into his office.

I look to Elliot and he shrugs. He goes back to leaning in his chair and I go back to staring at the newspaper in front of me, missing my Alex even more.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Elliot and I make our way to the set meeting place. We're both curious as to what Hammond would want with either of us.<p>

We ride in silence as there is nothing we care to talk about. It's not like we need to talk to understand what the other is saying. I play with the ring in my jacket pocket, the one that I was going to propose with. I know Elliot is watching me out of the corner of his eye, but I don't care. I rub it as if it was magic and it would bring my love back to me.

It's not much longer until we pull up and the Marshals are already waiting for us. We get out of the car and walked towards them.

"Nice location," Elliot says, "Convenient."

I smirk as Hammond looks at him.

"Sorry. Only way to do this," he said annoyed.

My curiosity is peaked. What could be so important that we couldn't meet in public?

"Do what?" I asked.

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. Real pain in the ass this one," he replied and I shot a confused look to Elliot.

I watched as a Marshal opened to the back door to the SUV and out stepped my Alex. I felt my heart pound harder and my chest tighten. She was here. She was alive! I couldn't believe that she was alive!

"I am so sorry about all of this," she says. My breathing came out as quiet gasps.

"Your funeral's tomorrow," I croak out. My voice was so thick with emotion.

"And you're both expected to attend. For the time being, Ms. Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her," Hammond says.

I don't really listen. All I can think about doing is flinging my arms around my love and hold her tight. I don't want her to leave and judging by what Hammond said that it means that she would leave and I wouldn't see her for a long time.

"Witness Protection," Elliot says.

"Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with," Alex tells us.

I'm still stuck on that she is alive and that I might never see her again. I swallow some of the emotion welling in my gut to ask the burning question in my throat.

"How long?" I ask. Alex opens her mouth and then closes it to shrug. She doesn't know. I sigh and sniff. I want a time line. I want to be able to know when I will see her again, if I'll see her again.

That's when another Marshal speaks up.

"We're on the move. Sorry, folks. Move them out," he says.

Alex gets back into the SUV and all I want to do is jump in with her. She looks back at me and Elliot one last time and I mouth 'I love you' to her as it may be the last time I could ever tell her. She smiles sadly as the door shuts and the SUV drives away with my heart.

I collapse from the overwhelming emotion. I feel the relief that she's alive, but that doesn't keep the overwhelming grief that I may never see her again at bay. I feel Elliot wrap his strong arms around me and he begins to rock.

"Let it out, Liv," he tells me. I bury my face into his shoulder and do just that. I let everything out. My pain, grief, and overwhelming longing all come pouring out onto his shirt.

"I-I'm go-gon-gonna mi-miss her s-so mu-much," I sob out, "I-I l-love h-her!"

"I know, Liv," he says, "She loves you, but you know she's gotta do this to be safe. At least she's alive."

I nod, but I can't shake the longing or the grief. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to work and I don't want to breathe, not as long as Alex and I can't be together. I feel myself shutting down and I feel the haze drift over me. I want Alex and that is that.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So there is the prologue. Leave a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	2. Chapter 1: Mourning

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own SVU, but it's almost Christmas! I'm wishing really hard!**

**AN: Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and alerts! I hope you like this next chapter!**

**AN2: I forgot to put to give a shout-out to livsgirl for the inspiration behind this story! You're awesome!  
><strong>

**Chapter 1: Mourning  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Alex's POV<strong>

After waking up in the hospital, after seeing that heartbreaking look on her face, I'm finally settling into my new location and my new identity though it's only temporary.

I can't help but relive the moment of seeing her and Elliot before I was taken away. I wanted nothing more than to be held by Olivia again.

I didn't want to be Rachel, I want to be me. I don't want to live in Iowa.

I miss the sounds and smells of the city. It's too quiet out here. All in all, it's not home.

Home is where my Olivia is. It's where I feel safe wrapped in her arms.

I sit in a chair in my new, temporary living room and cry. I cry for the loss of the life I had and for the one I could have had with Olivia. I just fall apart at the thought of never seeing, touching, hearing, or smelling her again. I miss her so much. I miss her warmth, her smile, and her kiss. It may not be that long that we've been separated, but, to me, it feels like an eternity.

I sink lower into the depression that I have found myself in. That's when the phone Hammond gave me rings. I look at it, tempted not to answer it, but I know that will bring the marshals knocking down my door. I pick it up.

"Hello," I answer, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Rachel," said Hammond, "Are you ready for that new house you signed up for?"

"Couldn't be more ready," I said trying to act as happy as Rachel should.

"I'll pick you up in an hour," he said.

"See you then," I squeaked and then hung up.

I had an hour to pack the things that I never took out of the suitcase. I had an hour to clean the things I hadn't messed up. I had an hour to myself to sink lower into the despair that I feel.

That hour went by so slow that it was agony. My stuff was by the door and I heard the SUVs pulling up. It was them. It was time to say good-bye to Rachel and to say hello to my permanent new identity, unless by some miracle Velez is dealt with and then I can return from the "dead."

Hammond knocks on the door. I answer it.

"Ready?" he asks. I nod. No words would come out to answer. More often than naught am I linguistically inclined, but right now I feel as though I'm mute. I want to speak to no one right now until I'm alone. I fear that if I open my mouth that I may fall apart again.

Hammond picks up my bags and we head to the next location that will be my permanent home unless I find some way to put myself in danger. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper and that I may never get my head above the water I'm drowning in. I want my Olivia. I want her so bad that it's killing me.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I manage to make it home at four in the morning. Elliot tried calling me several times while I was at the bar, but I refused to answer. I wanted to be alone. I just wanted to drink my pain away. I feel so numb that exhaustion overtakes me and I drift into a fitful sleep.

I dream of my golden-haired beauty. I dream of our wedding day and her heavy with our child. I dream of what we could've had if Velez had never made his presence known. That's when he enters my dream state. He holds a gun to my love's head. He sneers and pulls the trigger. I scream and he laughs before pointing the gun towards me and pulling the trigger.

I snap awake to find my bed sheets soaked with sweat. I'm gasping for breath and my heart is pounding. I look at the clock and see that I'm almost late for work. I jump from the bed to grab a quick shower and get dressed. I skip breakfast as I head out the door.

I get to the precinct and find that Munch was the only one not in yet. Elliot looks up to me and I shake my head as I silently tell him that it's not a good time to ask. I see the concern in his eyes as well as that sympathy. It's the sympathy that I don't want to regard. If he's feeling sympathetic towards me, it makes this feel so much more real. I don't want it to feel real. I don't want to feel at all. I just want to be numb.

_Later that day…_

That woman, THAT WOMAN! I can't stand that woman! Her cockiness and her insensitivity towards the victims we've had to interview! I swear she's almost as cold as… that's when I stop that thought. I don't want to think about her. I want to hold onto the anger that I have towards that red-haired witch!

Elliot senses my frustration with Novak. He looks at me and shakes his head. He's telling me not to lay into her about everything. I hold it back until I have her alone in her office and then I'm ready to lay into her. I start to until I realize she's crying already. That's when that anger that I wanted to hold onto melted away as I realize she's not the one I'm really angry at.

I know I'm who I'm angry at. I'm angry at myself for losing her, at Elliot for not helping me keep her safe, at her for being so stubborn to not give up the case, but most importantly I'm angry at the son of bitch who caused this mess in the first place. The anger hurts, but the loneliness and longing are total agony.

I miss my Alex. I miss her and to say her name, in my head or not, kills me inside even more. I walk out of her office after telling her that not everyone thinks they can handle this job and go back to the house. I decide to throw myself into work to avoid going home to the emptiness. Work is all I'm going to do from now on.

* * *

><p><strong>AN3: Hope you liked! Leave a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	3. Chapter 2: Reunion

**Disclaimer: Santa was mean to me. He didn't give me SVU! Wah!**

**AN: Sorry I haven't updated. Holiday season has been a busy one. I know it's short, but it's necessary. I have more planned for this story so please stick with me! Thanks to those who reviewed/favorited/alerted! You are awesome!**

* * *

><p>On the plane, I sit silently watching the clouds go by. I feel myself treading the water again, trying to hold my head above the surface. I can't do this. I'm scared for my life, but I'm missing half my soul. I want to pull the plug on this. I want to go back. I don't care if Velez is still out there; I just want to be home with my Olivia.<p>

I got up and walked to where Hammond was. He looks up as I sit down in the seat in front of him.

"I'm done. I want to go home," I tell him as sincerely as I can.

"We've talked about this. You knew that you would have to cut all contact," Hammond tells me.

"I know," I want to elaborate on why, but I don't.

"Look, you just have to stay until we catch Velez and then you can go back," Hammond says.

"I can't do this. I can't be away from her. It's my choice. I want to go home. I can take care of myself and she can too," I tell him. My courtroom face is on.

Hammond nodded and made the call. I feel the weight lift off me as he says the words that I wanted to hear. I was going home.

* * *

><p>I miss her. That's all I think about. I miss her. This job is all I have right now and I'm having a hard time doing it because I miss her so much. I long for her day in and day out. Elliot tries to help. He talks to me, but there is only so much talking I can do. None of it makes the pain go away though.<p>

My phone rings. I pick it up.

"Benson," I answer.

"Detective Benson, this is Hammond from the DEA," he says.

"What can I do for you, Agent Hammond?" I ask.

"I need you to meet me at LaGuardia at 2 pm. I have something to give you," he says.

My heart beats faster.

"I'll be there," I say.

"Make sure you aren't followed," he says and disconnects the call.

What could it be that he has for me? I hope it's her. I want it to be her so bad, but I know there is no way that can ever be unless by some miracle Velez was found dead.

Looking at the clock, I see that I have an hour before I have to meet Hammond. I better get a move on in order to be on time. I clench the hope that I have that Alex is coming back to me.

* * *

><p>I can barely contain my excitement. We're landing at LaGuardia right now and I know that Olivia is going to be there. I'm literally bouncing with anticipation. We are getting off the plane and I wish these people would move faster. I want to see her.<p>

Hammond stays in front of me, vigilant as ever. He watches everyone and everything. I don't care right now. All I want is her and I am so close that I can't stand it.

We enter the terminal. I look around for her. That's when I see that familiar leather jacket with the badge and gun on her hip. My heart soars and I take off for her not listening to him telling me to wait. All I wanted was her and now that she's right in front of me I don't care about anything else.

She catches sight of me and her expression brightens lightens and she smiles widely with tears shimmering in her eyes. She spreads her arms and I fit myself right into them. We embrace tightly and both of us have tears in our eyes. She kisses my forehead. I pull back and capture her lips in a sweet kiss that I have missed so much. I feel myself become whole again as we are reunited.

"I have missed you so much," I tell her.

"I have missed you too," she replies.

"Ladies, can we move this elsewhere? It's not safe here," Hammond tells us.

We nodded and she takes my hand as we head to luggage claim. I figure that we will talk about everything once we're surely alone.

* * *

><p>I got to the airport as quickly as I could. I thought I was late, but one look at my watch told me I was right on time. I go to the gate that Hammond told me after passing through security. I stand there impatiently as the plane pulls to the terminal. It takes a while for the passengers to begin to unload. When I look up, I see a blonde streak running to me.<p>

It's her! She's here! I can't help but smile. I open my arms and she fits right into my embrace. I kiss her forehead and then I kiss her. I have missed her and I tell her so. I feel myself being lifted out of the depression and despair that I had fallen into.

Hammond tells us that we need to me and I go along with him, holding the hand of the love of my life. I can't wait to ask the question that burns in my mind and my heart.

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: Aw, such a sweet reunion! I hope you liked it! More to come! Leave a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	4. Chapter 3: Talking and SURPRISE

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own. :(**

**AN: Hello people of fanfiction! I apologize for my long absence! The holiday season was a busy one and I had no time or inspiration to write. Just a reminder that this story is OOC and slightly AU. Enjoy this new chapter!**

* * *

><p>We walk into our apartment and Alex turns to look at me once we're inside the door.<p>

"It feels so great to be home," she says. I smile and pull her to me.

"It's great having you home," I tell her as I kiss her hairline, "You have no idea how great it is to have you home."

She pulls back to see my expression. I feel overwhelmed with emotion and I know that now isn't the time to talk about it as Hammond is in the same room. There are other pressing issues.

"Ladies, we need to talk," Hammond says and we both look to him. He nods to the couch and we sit down and he sits in a chair across from us.

"Alex has decided that she no longer wants to be under federal protection," he said and I look to Alex wide-eyed, "It's her decision and her right to deny entering the program, so in lue of changing her mind there is nothing I can do, but to honor her decision no matter how ludicrous it is."

I was watching Alex's features the entire time and she seemed set on staying here. I saw no guilt or remorse that Hammond was trying to draw out of her, but instead I saw an annoyed look.

"Alex, you know it isn't safe. What happens if Velez tracks you down?" I ask trying to avoid another difficult question.

"I couldn't do it, Liv. Not without you. This can go one of two ways, you can come with me, though I'd never ask you to leave everything, or I stay with you. Either way I'm going to be in danger, but at least I will know who I am," Alex says. I take in everything that she tells me.

"Alex, you have to go. What happens if Velez finds us and I can't protect you?" I say as emotion cracks my voice. All I picture is that nightmare that I had this morning. I couldn't bear to lose her and if she was to be pregnant and Velez killed her I couldn't bear losing our child either.

"Liv, I'm not strong enough to stay away," Alex murmurs. I'm shocked at the words she just said. Alexandra Cabot is the strongest woman I know and she is now admitting she's not? That's not true.

"Alex, you are the strongest most stubborn woman I have ever known. Don't say that you aren't," I say.

"You don't know how it was! I felt so broken! It felt like I was drowning! The pain was excruciating!" she cried. I'm taken aback by this. I've never seen her act this way. I look to Hammond.

"Could you give us a moment?" I ask. He nods and makes his way into the kitchen.

"Alex, I know exactly how you felt because I felt the same way. It was like I couldn't breathe or live without you. I cried myself to sleep after drinking most of the night just so I could get to sleep," I say as the tears are streaming down my face.

Alex wraps her arms around me and I cry on her shoulder. I've never cried like this except when she was taken.

"A-a-after I g-g-got to s-sleep, I h-had an h-h-horrible n-n-nightmare," I sobbed out.

"What was it?" Alex asked softly.

"We w-w-were m-ma-mar-married and you were p-p-pr-pregnant," I started, but just flashing back to the nightmare made me stop and just cry. I've never had nightmares affect me like this.

"What happened?" she asked, "Tell me the rest. What's bothering you?"

"Velez, he c-came and k-killed you and our child right in front of me! You died in my arms! I woke up covered in sweat terrified that that nightmare would come true and I still feel it might!" I exclaim.

"Olivia, I have the utmost belief in your protective skills. I trust you completely and I know you can protect me," Alex tells me.

"What if I can't? What if he gets to you?" I ask.

"He won't," she says rubbing my back, "I believe in you and as long as you that belief then he won't touch me."

I sigh and sniffle. I feel a blush creep up in my cheeks as I remember that Hammond is just in the next room and quite possibly heard everything I just told Alex. I feel so embarrassed. I straighten myself and wipe my face with my sleeve, something that always annoyed Alex.

"Don't do that!" Alex says. I smile and she does too. It's so great to see that.

"I've missed you," I tell her and she captures me in a sweet, but short, kiss.

"I've missed you too," she replies.

Hammond comes back into the room and sits back into the chair. He looks at us and can tell that we've reached a decision though I still protest it, but I do so silently.

"She's not going back," I tell him. Hammond sighs and looks down.

"I was hoping that you could change her mind. It would've been much easier for me," Hammond says.

"Sorry, but I just can't live without her," Alex says. Hammond looks up.

"I meant it would've been easier to kill you without your girlfriend around, but now I have to kill you both," he says as he pulls out a Sig Sauer. Alex and I gasp in shock as neither one of us saw this coming.

"How much did he pay you?" I ask.

"Does it matter?" he counters.

"I want to know how much our lives are worth," I retort.

"Sixty-five thou, and I'm going to enjoy every penny. I knew I should've taken you out when you were at that house, but it was too risky and then you surprised me on the plane not to mention the undercover agents that were riding with us, it just made it too difficult. I convinced them that I could handle you two on my own up here, and they never batted an eye. Now to finish what Velez started," he says and raises a gun to my love's head and a shot rings out.

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: *Gasp* What's going to happen? Do they make it? Leave a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	5. Chapter 4: Fighting and Survivor?

**Disclaimer: Ehh, I don't own these awesome characters! :(**

**AN1: People of fanfiction, please don't hurt me! I'm so sorry it took so long for an update! I hope this satisfies you all! Thanks to my beta for help! Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>OPOV<strong>

Before the shot rang out throughout our apartment, the moment he pointed the gun to my lover's head, I ran at him. I tackled him with all my strength. I wasn't going to let anyone take my life away from me again.

We crashed into the floor behind us. I wrestle for the gun and Hammond squeezes the trigger, firing off a shot. I hear Alex screaming.

"Call Elliot! Get them up here now!" I yell at her. She takes off to the kitchen where both our phones are.

I continue fighting with Hammond. I manage to knock the gun from his grasp, but he throws a punch to my face. I yell out as the pain hits me. I don't care because I'm fighting for the one I love. I rare back and hit him on the nose. Blood gushes out as the bones crunch. I feel a slight satisfaction in that I broke his nose, but he's not done. He flips me over and leans up to punch me again when two more shots go off. I look at Hammond and see the blood seeping from two holes in his chest. I look up and see Alex in the doorway with my backup in her hand.

I roll out from underneath Hammond as his body has fallen on top of me. I get up and walk slowly to Alex.

"Lex, it's okay," I murmur as I pull the gun out of her grasp and lay it on the nearest table. She's still staring at the body.

Elliot comes running in the door with Fin close behind. Both have their weapons drawn, but once they catch sight of us the re-holster them.

"You guys okay?" he asks as he looks at the bruise that was beginning to form and the split in my lip.

"I'm fine," I say, "Alex?" I look down at the blonde in my arms.

"Uh, I think I'm going to be sick," she says shakily and then it seems as though she turns completely white and passes out.

I catch her before she hits the floor and I lift her into my arms. Fin moves to help, but I shake my head. I carry her to our room and lay her on the bed. I go into the bathroom and pull a washcloth out of the cabinet and run it under the faucet. I come out and lay it across her forehead. I kiss her cheek and go to the door to watch as the guys begin processing the scene.

* * *

><p><strong>APOV<strong>

I was staring down another gun barrel. Then a brown flash and it was gone. I saw Olivia fighting Hammond. The gun sounds. I call out to her and she tells to me get Elliot and Fin. I run to the kitchen to find our phones torn apart and the landline cut. I shake my head and frantically think what I could do.

I open and look out the door and yell to the neighbor who poked his head out to see what the sound was and told him to call 911. He heads back in to do so. I go back into the apartment and find Olivia's backup weapon. I check to see if it's loaded and run back to where I left Olivia and Hammond.

Hammond was on top of her and I thought she was dead. I thought he was going to kill her. I raised the gun to him and fired twice. I had never shot anyone before. Olivia had taught me how to use a gun if the need came, but those were always paper men. This was a person I killed. I killed someone. That was what was running through my head. I'm a murderer.

Elliot and Fin came in after Olivia had moved to my side. I couldn't hear what they were saying. I could feel myself getting light-headed.

"Uh, I think I'm going to be sick," I say shakily and then I feel the tunnel bury me as I collapse.

When I open my eyes, I look around to get my bearings. I see that I'm in our bedroom. I look to the door to see Olivia standing at the door.

"Liv? What's going on?" I ask. She turns and walks over to the bed. I try to sit up, but she pushes me back down.

"Lay down for a little bit," she says, "You passed out."

I feel embarrassed for passing out in front of Elliot and Fin. That's when the reason why I passed out came back and suddenly I feel like I'm about to vomit.

Olivia reaches over and hands me the small trashcan we keep next to the bed. I heave into it, but nothing comes out as I haven't eaten in a while. I groan and lay back on the bed.

"I'm a murderer," I whisper and tears spring to my eyes.

"No, you're not. You're a survivor," Olivia tells me, "You were protecting yourself and you were protecting me. I'm so proud of you."

"You're proud that I shot someone?" I asked incredulously. She shook her head.

"I'm proud that you were able to protect your family. I thought that I was going to lose you again," she says.

That's when it hits. She could care less about the man I shot, but she cares about the fact that I shot him to protect us. She doesn't care that I murdered someone, but that we're safe. Somehow, I don't feel the same. I've just taken a human life. Something I've never wanted to do, but have just done. I feel so sick again.

"I can't say I feel the same," I say trying to keep myself from heaving again.

"Alex, you're not a murderer. You didn't kill that man in cold blood. That's a murderer. You killed him to protect us. That's a survivor. You're a survivor and I'll always be proud of you for that," she says.

I see the way she looks at it, but it doesn't help me feel better.

"All I could see was him killing you. That's it. That was the image stuck in my head when I shot him," I tell her, "I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose you either."

"Baby, I understand. I'm not blaming you and you don't have to justify yourself. It was self-defense. Case closed," she tells me. I nod.

"You're not going to quit blaming yourself are you?" she asks. I shake my head slightly.

"It may take time, but the remorse will go away," she says.

I look at her. She feels no ounce of pity for that man. What if he had a family? What if his wife was expecting him home tonight, but now that's not going to happen because I killed him? These questions and more run through my head over and over.

"Liv?" Fin calls.

"Be right there. We'll talk about this later. Rest now, okay?" she says. I nod and she kisses my head and walks out of the room.

I lay back against the pillows and think about the life I just ended. I'll have to figure out if he had any family and try to ask forgiveness and hope that they will forgive me. Olivia doesn't get it, but I need to do this, for my sanity and my soul.

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: Wow, what do you think Alex will do? Will Olivia help her deal with this? Leave a review, please and thank you!<br>**


	6. Chapter 5: Guilt and Plans

**Disclaimer: The monkeys came and took it away!**

**AN: I apologize for my long absence. My muse has been fighting me lately on writing this. I'm a little iffy about this chapter, but I hope you like it! On to the chapter!**

* * *

><p><strong>OPOV<strong>

Two weeks after the attempt on mine and Alex's lives found me at a loss as to what to do with my lover. She wouldn't eat. She hardly slept. I've tried talking to her, but she won't talk. All I get are one-word sentences. I've never known Alex to be monosyllabic unless she just used the basic words of "Yes" and "No." Now everything is one word.

I ask her how she is and she says fine. I ask her if she's eaten she says no. I ask her if she's hungry and she says no. I ask her several other questions and there are more one-word answers along with shrugs of her shoulders and shaking of her head. It's now that I finally put my foot down.

"How was your day?" I ask. She doesn't look up from the spot she's focused on the coffee table.

"Fine," she says in an almost robotic tone. I sigh and stand up.

"Alex, you haven't eaten anything since I made you eat this morning. You barely sleep and when you do sleep you have horrific nightmares. You clearly are not fine!" I snap at her.

I see that was the wrong thing to do as I notice that she draws back into herself. I throw my hands up and groan.

"I'm sorry," I say softly. She shrugs and I sigh exasperated. "Lex, will you just talk to me?" I plead.

She looks at me and I see the tears. I knew that his death was affecting her, that was a given, but to have it affect her this much.

"If you tell me what's wrong, I can help," I say trying to persuade her to say something, anything.

She opens her mouth and all that comes out is a sob and she breaks down into tears. I sit next to her again and I wrap my arms around her tightly. I hold her as she cries.

Once the sobbing stops and she is only sniffling does she say anything.

"Do you know if he had a family?" she asks. I look at her with a questionable expression written on my face.

"Is that what this is about? You still feel guilty of shooting him?" I ask.

"I know you've told me a million times that it wasn't my fault, that I was protecting us, but there is a part of my that believes that I shot him just to relieve the stress that was weighing down on me," she says.

"Stress? Honey, you had already decided not to go back to Witness Protection. What more could he do?" I ask.

"I know his type. He would've hounded me until he got his way then I wouldn't be here at all because he would've killed me," she replies, "Maybe I should've done that."

"What? No! You regret saving us?" I ask, "You regret me?"

"No! I could never! I regret the fact that I put you into so much danger! Had you been killed that night, it would've been my fault!" she exclaims as she collapses back into sobs.

She has he hands covering her face so that she doesn't look at me. I kneel down in front of her and grasp her wrists gently to pull her hands away from her face. She won't look me in the eye. I tilt her chin so that she has no choice but to look at me.

"Alex Cabot, none of this was your fault to begin with. It was Velez and Zapata, not you. Hammond was paid by Velez to get rid of you and anyone else with you. If Hammond had killed me, my blood would've been on Velez's hands, not yours. Do you hear me?" I say. She nods.

"I still can't help the guilty feeling," she says.

"Sweetie, you took another life. It's going to take time for that feeling to ebb, but to do that you have to talk about it," I tell her, "If not to me or to one of our friends, then a counselor."

"I want to know if Hammond had a family," she says.

"He had a wife and two kids," I tell her, "They were murdered right before your 'death.'"

"Murdered?" she asks. I nod.

"Hammond killed his family before he went after you. We found them shortly after your 'death.'" I say.

She goes still and silent. It's like she's frozen. I release my hold on her and move to her side.

"Lex, what is it?" I ask, but she doesn't respond, "Lex? Alex? Are you okay?"

"Since I killed him, all I could think was what if he had a family? What if his kids had to grow up without a father?" she says.

"Oh honey, is that what caused the guilt?" I ask as I begin to feel like we've had a breakthrough.

"Yes," she replies, "I was so scared that I destroyed a happy family by taking out one evil man."

"No, sweetheart, you didn't," I tell her, "You got justice for the victims, his family. That's what you're supposed to do."

She looks at me and finally smiles for the first time in the longest two weeks of my life.

"Thank you, Liv," she says. I pull her to me.

"There's no need to thank you. I love you so much Alex," I tell her.

"I love you too," she replies. She leans her head up and kisses me sensually. She hasn't kissed me like that in two weeks. I almost forgot what it felt like.

I put my hand through her hair and pull her closer as I deepen the kiss. When m lungs begin to burn is when I break the kiss.

"So, Miss Cabot, would you like to go out with me this Friday?" I ask with a smirk.

She raises her eyebrows at me. "Definitely," she replies, "Where are we going?"

"That, my dear, is a surprise," I say with a grin. I figure that now that her guilt is resolved and we are in a lull from danger and haven't caught a case that it would be the safest time to plan my proposal. Now, all I have to do is wait until Friday and hear the one word I'm dying to hear after I ask the life-changing question.

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: What could Olivia have planned for Friday as a date? Hmm, have to wait and see! Leave me a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	7. Chapter 6: Date and Proposal

**Disclaimer: We already knows who owns it.**

**AN: So, here it is! The awesome date which just happens to be an awesome proposal! Now, some trivia, the restaurant is the same one that Bobby Flay, Stephanie March's husband, runs. The dishes that they order are actually on the menu. I just thought I'd let you know that! :) Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>OPOV<strong>

I have reservations at the best restaurant in the city. I have flowers, chocolates, and the ring in my pocket. I've had this ring for a long time, but with everything that happened, I never got the chance to ask. Now, today is my chance and I couldn't be more excited or nervous. I hope beyond hope that she says yes.

I'm dressed in a slim black dress and ready to go. I'm just waiting on her. I'd wait forever normally, but I know that the restaurant won't keep our reservation if we're late.

"Honey, we need to leave," I remind her again.

"I'm almost ready!" she says.

I grin because that is what she said the last five times. Finally our bedroom door opens and out steps my stunningly beautiful girlfriend who I hope is my fiancée before the night is out. She's dressed in a light blue dress that flows to her mid-calf. It has a slits on both sides that come up to her mid-thigh. It is sleeveless and she has a navy blue shawl draped around her shoulders. She has her hair down and is wearing contacts. I love how the dress just brings out her beautiful blue eyes. She's wearing the necklace I gave her as well as the earrings.

"Are you going to stare at me all night or are we going out?" she asks slyly with a sultry smile on her face.

I grin back as I think that I would love nothing more than to take her back into our bedroom and ravish her, but I've had this night planned for a long time.

She hooks her arm around my offered arm and I lead her out of our apartment.

* * *

><p><strong>APOV<strong>

Oh hell, what am I going to wear tonight? I have nothing! Ugh, why, oh why, did I wait until the last minute to pick out my outfit? I'm staring at my closet with the biggest frown on my face. Olivia walks in and sees it.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asks. I shake my head.

"I have nothing to wear tonight and it would help to know where we're going!" I say.

"Sorry, but it's a surprise. There are two things I can tell you. One, you look beautiful in anything. And two, dress fancy. That's all I'm giving," she says with a smile.

That doesn't help me in the slightest, but I do feel a bit better. I walk over and kiss her gently on the lips.

"I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too," she says, "Now, I'm going to get ready and you need to do the same."

I look back to my closet as she goes off to take a shower. I look at dress after dress before I find the absolute perfect one. I put it on as well as my makeup. I put on the necklace that Olivia bought me with the earrings. I drape my hair over my shoulders. After sliding on my heels and telling Olivia over and over again that I'd be ready in a minute do I walk out of the room.

Her reaction was the one I was going for. She started at my feet and raked her eyes up my body slowly, her mouth opening wider as she went. She finally got to my eyes and I smiled.

"Are you going to stare at me all night or are we going out?" I ask with the sexiest smile I can manage.

She offers her arm and I take it as she leads me out of the apartment.

* * *

><p>At the car, she opens my door for more and when she turns around she hands me a beautiful bouquet of roses and a box of Lindt Granduer milk chocolates, my favorite. I gasp and smile. I kiss her sweetly and get into the car.<p>

The drive is a short one. We pull up to Mesa Grill. I'm in shock at the amount Olivia spent on this night. She must've been saving for a long time to do this.

She comes around and opens my door and we go into the restaurant.

* * *

><p><strong>OPOV<strong>

The maître'd seats us and we order our appetizers. I know I'm going to wait until after desert to ask the question. As we look over the menu, Alex looks to me.

"What's the special occasion?" she asks.

"I need a holiday to take my wonderful girlfriend out?" I counter.

"You're avoiding the question," she says.

"You're such a lawyer," I reply and grin. She smiles back.

"Seriously, what's the occasion?" she asks again.

"I just wanted tonight to be special," I answer.

She smiles and goes back to looking over the menu. We call the waiter back to order. I order a Spice Rubbed New York Strip Steak and she orders Green Chile Cioppino. As we wait for our food we make small talk. Once it arrives we focus on eating. The waiter comes back and asks if we want desert. I know that if I order something else that I wouldn't be able to finish it.

"You want to split something?" I ask and she nods.

We discuss our options and finally decide on an Apple Pie Sundae. He goes to get our desert and I begin to fidget with the box in my pocket. The waiter comes back with the desert and it looks so delicious and with the amount on the plate I knew that I wouldn't have been able to eat it myself. We take turns feeding each other and soon we've finished it off.

We are both relaxed and full. I decide that it's now or never. I get up out of the chair and walk around to Alex. Her eyes follow my every move. I kneel down before her and she gasps as she knows what's coming next.

I pull the jewelry box out of my pocket and open it to reveal the ring. It's silver with a medium diamond in the center with a sapphire on either side.

"Alex," I begin, "I love you with my heart and soul. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think I could ever live without you. After all that has happened, I was scared that I'd never be able to tell you how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, Alexandra Cabot, will you marry me?"

I see the tears come to her eyes. She's breathing a little faster which meant that her heart was pumping. She grabbed my hand.

"Olivia, yes! Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes!" she said.

I smiled and took the ring out of the box and slid it on her finger. I got up and kissed her sweetly. The restaurant broke out into the applause and congratulations were given to us by the patrons and the staff. I smiled as this woman, my fiancée, has made me the happiest woman in the world, and I love her so much!

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: Aw, wasn't it just so romantic? So, she said yes! Awesomeness! The next chapter is the epilogue which just so happens to be the wedding! Stay tuned for it! Leave a review, please and thank you!<strong>


	8. Epilogue: Wedding and A Love So Deep

**Disclaimer: We all should know who owns it by now!**

**AN: Sorry it took so long. Had to work, like a lot! Now, there are two things; One, I tweaked the timeline a bit as to let our girls get married without having to head to Canada or something and Two, the dress I described is Stephanie March's actual wedding dress that she used to marry reknowned chef Bobby Flay. I hope you guys enjoy it! Thanks for the continued support!**

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<br>**

**OPOV  
><strong>

About six months later, I am eagerly awaiting my future bride to walk down the aisle. It seems like yesterday that we had just met, but now I can't imagine my life without her. Now I don't have to worry about a thing now that all threats against her have been eliminated. We can live our life in peace.

Elliot puts a hand on my shoulder and pulls me out of my thoughts. I chose him for my best man because he's my best friend and has been there for me through thick and thin. Fin and Munch are beside him. Cragen is on my side of the audience as he has been like a father to me for so long. I smile at him and then Elliot turns my attention to the far side of the church.

I gasp at the sight in front of me. My beautiful bride is dressed in the normal white dress. It was low-cut and showed off a little of her cleavage. The shoulders are tank style and have jewels on them. It falls to her ankles as it hugs her curves. Beads are flowing down on either side of her dress. She looks absolutely gorgeous!

She looks at me and I smile. She grins back brightly. I nearly melt at that moment. She finally joins me at the altar and the reverend starts the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved," he started, but I tuned out until it was time for the vows, "I believe that both have written their own vows. Olivia, you may begin."

"Alexandra Caroline Cabot, you are the light of my life and the breath I breathe and the heart I feel, I promise to honor you and protect you and cherish you always and forever," I said.

Tears fell down her cheeks and I reached up and wiped them from her cheeks.

"Alexandra," the preacher said.

"Olivia Lillian Benson, you have had m heart ever since we met. You are my soul and my life. I promise to honor you and cherish and care for you all the days of my life," she said.

"The rings please," the preacher said looking to Dickie as he was picked for ring bearer, "Repeat after me please. With this ring, I thee wed."

"With this ring, I thee wed," I say and slip the ring on her finger right above her engagement ring.

"With this ring, I thee wed," she says as she does the same.

"The rings are a sign of unbroken love and commitment and shall bind the two for the rest of their lives. Now, with the power vested in my by God and the state of New York, I now pronounce you Woman and Wife. You may kiss the bride," the preacher said.

I lean towards her and she does the same. I capture her lips with mine and wrap my arms around her torso as she throws hers around my neck. We break apart and everyone cheers.

"May I present Mrs. and Mrs. Benson=Cabot," the preacher announces and the applause gets louder. We walk down the aisle hand in hand.

Once back into the reception area, Alex whispers in my ear and what she says has me grinning from ear to ear.

"It worked. We'll have another member in about nine months," she said. I grabbed her and kiss her with all I have and we run out the church eager to spend the rest of our lives together with the family starting with the little one in my new bride's womb. Life is perfect and our love is deep and there is nothing in the world that can break it apart.

**THE END**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks again for the support and the help of my beta! Leave a last review, please and thank you!<strong>


End file.
